for now, currently, i got a feeling that been persisting in me at almost all time. idk how to put it but it jus dun feel gd. something missing and empty, as if something is there for me to fill up. it could jus be some whining moment we always have in life, but deep inside i know i could nv end this, or do anything about it.
Few days back i saw this article that says something like this. a woman would gamble herself in a relationship, however when she loses or she knows that she had did it wrong, she wouldnt regret, instead she would gamble it more with her whole life. idk if i've phrase it correctly cos it is in chinese and i only had faint memory bout the article. i understand what it meant n i kinna able to relate it to myself.
From my pov, i think that most women r like this. one of the differences between men n women is that, we willing to risk and wont regret it even if it was wrong at the first place, agree? if we truly love a person, no matter how bad we feel or how it's gonna change our life, i mean, there r sacrifices to make rite? some would choose not to give in or change, some would. i think thats one of the challenges to face in a BGR and it's inevitable, am i rite?
I ask myself this question, always. am i able to give in for him? am i really do it on my own will or am i jus being appreciative? do i feel happy or am i simply avoiding? i couldnt possibly consult him rite? there will be chaos becos there will be a storm i know it too well. many things we cant talk bout, it would end up in quarrel, it's either i purposely provoke him or the way he talks is jus too unbearable. either way i think it's becos we r too close that we tend to take things for granted. isnt that so? do u know y couples hav conflicts? it's becos they r too close to ea other. recently we always argue bout things and quarrel starts to arise when we talk longer, becos it could link to many things. honestly speaking i think he has changed me, to someone who is narrow-minded. yes i am i admit. im really very narrow-minded to him. what happened or happening, i would be very involved. u could say im possessive, but i would say im feeling unjust. as a gf i think i've really done my job and part to avoid things he doesnt like, to happen. im avoiding trouble that jeopardize our relationship n i think i really did that well. what's the price? lost of many frens n time. i would say that i have been spending 90% of my time in a yr, staying in e hs. y? it's the safest and it's efficient in preventing quarrels. i know he doesnt like it and i dont do it, i know he likes to stay at hm n i accompanied him till now while i used to be quite a sociable person, i had my own time n frens, i had my leisure and ways of having fun and enjoy life. but i gave it all up for him! im being sensitive to his feeling, am i wrong? i make sacrifices and what do i get? hadnt grateful even come into his tots? y dun i c any appreciation at all? or is this wat i deserved? quarrel, argument, silence? what more should i deserve? i seriously believe time is very impt to a woman. We dun gamble our time n love in xchange for getting ignored or quarrel rite? seriously u make me think that u r simply looking for someone to be there for u when u r lonely. u jus need someone to listen when u r unhappy at work or someone to accompany u at nite when u slp. i dun understand, y u made me feel this way? u like to play game i understand, u have all ur frens with u when u r online n when u off, i will be there of some use, is this what u think? i know u would say no, it might really not. but u made me feel this way. y? i really feel pathetic...
i always wish someone could feel for me, someone who totally understand what im thinking and how bad im feeling. my heart will literately ache does anyone know? NO! i know it myself cos i felt it. at times im depressed does anyone know again? sad to say, it's a no again. really.. no one knows... how i feel... truly..
there is someone i miss a lot, and that person is my father. he had left me few months ago to somewhere far away. i wish i could be by his side now, doing my part as a daughter which i failed to be when he was alive. i really really regret it. though it had passed for months but i still miss him at times. most of the times, i wish he is still there. he wasnt a father that dotes his children by showing his love n cares. my father was a strict man and he hardly talked to his children, but his love towards his children was nv lesser than before. i've lost him now n i know it's the fact. i would always love him in my heart.... i wish he chould take me with him... many things have been pilling up, so much that i couldnt breathe at times. again n again... idk how much i can take it. again, no one knows.............
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