double post

job

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Rmb the previous post i had? RE the job i went for interview? the person called back soon after i finished blogging.. n guess wat? she asked whether i wan to take the offer.. -_- what came to my mind then was "I hadn't made up my mind yet!" zz so i told her i need time to think and will get back to her on wed (i know that sounds sensitive and picky but i really dun wan to make the wrong choice!).. there r 3 things that bother me about the job;

1:

the distance to there is tedious.. train > walk > bus > walk, to and fro to office and from office.. however, the distance from office is longer cos the bus stop is at the opposite, i've to walk a path with no shelter, across the road and walk again to the bus stop. -.- if u dun think it's troublesome but i seriously do.. so come to think of it, the fee for it is quite a lot too rite? in accumulative counts.. ya so in conclusion, this is the first thing i dun like about it.

2:

usually the working hrs for a office job is 8 - 5 or 9 - 6 rite? or sometimes i c 8 - 530.. for this job, i've to work from 9 - 630 and Fri will have to work longer to fulfill the 44hrs/week.. after some calculation, i knew that Fri i've to work from 9 - 8! OMG.. like what i mentioned for (1), imagine i finish work at 630... the time taken for waiting of bus and trains and walking, i est. i'll roughly reach hm at 730 or maybe later -_- maybe it's fine for others but for me, i prefer earlier.

3:

it is a 1 yr contract job meaning i can't leave in mid.. hai.. it feels like a threat to me seriously. i've a lot of "what if..." in my mind.. am i being too over-concerned? i guess im jus preventing ma.. am i rite? I dun wan to work halfway feel unhappy, not suitable yet being tied down by it and die-die have to stay..

for me, since i'm looking for a perm job now, i want to look for one that suits my expectation.. not like im picky again, i just think that these r the factors to keep me working there for long isn't it? and happy with my work isn't it? i did not ask for much pay.. of course i hope it can be higher but to complement the normal 1.5k job, choose a nearer working place! right? so the fee to transport is lesser in this way. or if the place is further, at least it's walking distance from MRT rite? so i dun have to spend extra for the transport.. rite rite rite???

zzz... after all.. i stil have to gambatei in looking for job now..

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relationship

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i feel stress especially im not living at my own hs now, i no longer have one, n my BF is not like how he used to be. i think he has changed. or maybe im the one changing.. idk.. what exactly is the problem?? i really wish to know. whenever the though of married or getting a house, it makes me fear, there is no slightest of happiness. Last night i heard his mother, sis and himself were casually discussing bout it and what in my mind was, i wish i could have a place to rent and shut myself away from him. im not dislike him, i jus wan to protect myself. with him i feel like i've depressed, i often feel upset and lonely. Im suffer from him.. sometimes he make me very happy, laugh loudly tgt.. but it doesn't mean it last till the nest min.. i've tried crying and laughing within short period n it's is torturing. really very sad u know? i'm mentally and spiritually unbalanced.. im suffering from both! i wish i can have a house to avoid him sometimes when i want to...

does this come across ur mind when sometimes u jus need a little space of urself jus u n no one else..? where u can scream or cry out loud or jus stare there blankly with jus urself.. when i was still staying with my parents at my sold house, i had a room of myself, most of the time, i spend my time in the rm, door closed, sitting on my bed and stare outside cos i could c the sky there.. or i will jus looking at ppl from downstairs.. jus looking at them w/o think of anything. or i would shut off the lights and cover my face with pillow and jus think.. what i think of i really dunno.. sometimes when im unhappy, that was what i like to do, jus a space of myself in the room. i feel so gd and free.. i like it but it could nv happen again. rite now the room of myself is all kept in my heart.. i've to stuff my feelings all inside me. , regardless of happiness or unhappiness, im stuffing everything inside.. i used to share with my Bf but now i dun wan him to know anything because it hurts me even more if i did. in a way, i'll get myself hurt. He is capable of hurting me in many ways. he wasn't intend to i know, because he didnt even know he hurt me, maybe im jus too vulnerable.

i dun c any future in us.. what i c is more depression, sadness, unintentionally of killing me slowly.. i'll die gradually.